Stay Safe: Chapter Six
What follows is a chapter from "Stay Safe: Life After Loss," a book that I wrote following the death of my brother, Robert James Reeves. Rob, only 14-months younger than me and 32 years old at the time of his death, was a Navy SEAL on the prestigious SEAL Team 6. On August 6, 2011, while on a mission in Afghanistan, he and too many of his teammates and other servicemen, lost their lives when their helicopter was shot down by enemy fire. It was the single largest loss of American life in the Afghan war. And because of the high profile nature of this event–being on the cusp of the Bin Laden mission and the number of those lost–my dad and I were part of many, many memorials and events, and the recipients of much outreach, and the point of contact for all those wanting to do something in Rob’s memory. This book chronicles the first month after his death. I am releasing a chapter a day starting August 5th as we mark the fourth anniversary of life without him.
On Marriage
I was married once, for five years. A. was a good man, though we were not good for each other. We were good friends, but terrible life partners. Though I think we might have eventually found our groove with each other and lived a happy life, he gave up on me after my mom died. I became a difficult person for him to be around, I was feeling a little lost in life and since things between us hadn’t been great the previous 18-months, my changes after Mom died were a last straw for him. So he left.With Mom’s death I felt changed. She was sick and we had been told six months prior to her dying that she wouldn’t make it through another year. But even that knowledge didn’t prepare me for the impact of losing a parent at such a relatively young age. Mom was 59 years old when she died, just four months shy of her 60th birthday. I struggled to cope with her death and acted differently: I avoided coming home, began skipping my nightly law school classes and drinking too much. Because we were already struggling with our relationship, this was more than A. could handle and he asked for a divorce a mere month after my mom died. I gladly agreed to it. Mom would have been horrified. She wanted me to be married, to live happily ever after, and she genuinely liked A. If it was going to happen, I am glad that she didn’t have to bear witness to the divorce.But the divorce on top of the death, my job and the fact that I was attempting to continue law school at night, were all too much. I ended up withdrawing from law school and focusing on work and trying to build or rebuild friendships that I had let diminish during my marriage.Divorce left a bad taste in my mouth for marriage and love in general. Heartbreak and disappointment and loneliness will do that to a person. Though I hadn’t yet completely given up on the possibility that love and marriage were again in my future, I approached any opportunity for it with skepticism. I saw couples who were truly in love and it seemed they had done what was right for them, though I sensed that the perfections of their relationships were an illusion for the public eye. Nothing was as it seems when you went behind closed doors.My brother didn’t think anyone should get married. Rob avoided marriage and wanted his friends to avoid it too. He was vocal and adamant about this. But he and I never really talked about whether I would get married again. Perhaps it is because I really hadn’t been in a relationship since A. and I divorced, so there was no need to discuss something that wasn’t even a possibility. We talked a lot, however, about why he wasn’t going to marry K., though both Dad and I thought she was good for him. I respected his reasons and hoped that he would eventually decide to settle down and start a family.Read other chapters of this book.
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